


Fix Me

by 5SecondsOfButthole



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, they're still in school, triggering plz be careful
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-13
Updated: 2015-07-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 04:46:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2297117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5SecondsOfButthole/pseuds/5SecondsOfButthole
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael makes a decision that changes everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You should listen to this song while you read it: http://www.listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=tp99OIH0owM&feature=endscreen&NR=1

**Warnings: Self-harm & suicide**

Michael’s hand shook as he sarted writing, his penmanship worse than usual in his haste to get his thoughts and confessions onto the paper. School ended in 15 minutes and he wasn’t sure if he would have time to finish Calum’s letter; he had to, he couldn’t deal with another day of hell simply because he wasn’t fast enough.

_Dear Calum,_

_Thank you so much for caring about me. Thank you for being there when no one else was. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for everything. There is no way I would ever be able to repay you for the things that you’ve done for me._

_I wouldn’t have lasted this long if it weren’t for you. Every day I wake up and the first thing I think is, “I get to see Calum today and he will hug me and tell me he cares and tell me he’s happy I'm here.” But that’s not enough anymore, waking up is getting harder, gathering the energy to get up and do something is nearly impossible. I can’t keep doing this. I'm done. I give up._

_ This is not your fault. This no one’s fault but my own. If I wasn’t so disgusting and pathetic and worthless this wouldn’t be happening. _

_Please don’t think you could have helped me more._

_Don’t think that if you had just gone home with me this wouldn’t have happened._

_Please don’t miss me._

_I'm not worth it. I was never worth it._

_I tried to convince myself that I was. I tried to convince myself that there was some type of redeemable quality in me._

__I_ tried to convince myself that it’s possible to fix what’s been broken but I've come to the realization that I'm not broken, I'm shattered. Trying to fix me is like trying to glue a shattered glass vase together again, you can try for as long as you want but there’s really no point._

_You are so amazing you mean everything to me. Never forget that. Don’t ever think even for a second that I didn’t care about you because I did I cared about you more than anything else in the whole world. That’s why I'm doing this; I'm saving you from me. I'm saving you from trying to pick up the pieces and trying to put me back together. There's no point and I don’t want you to waste your time on me._

_I know you're hanging out with Luke and Ashton after school today so I know you won’t have time to read this and when you do please don’t cry. Please don’t run and try and save me. This is what I ~~want~~ need. _

_I'm scared Calum. Was I wrong? Is there such a thing as heaven? If there is am I still allowed in if I kill myself?_

_Please just do me one favor, do this one thing just for me. Forget about me. Don’t sit down at lunch and think Michael should be in that seat. Don’t walk down the street and look at my house and think about all the sleepovers we had. Forget about me, I wasn’t all that great anyway._

_I love you so much._

_Tell the guys I love them too._

_I am so so so so sorry._

_I love you,_

_Michael_

Michael put his pen down and looked at the clock; he had 3 minutes left of class. He realized that this would be the last time he walked out of this room. This would be the last time he walked home. This would be the last time he hugged Calum and Luke and Ash. This would be the last time he said goodbye to everyone; he better make it count.

He shoved all of his things into his backpack and folded the letter until you couldn’t see any of the writing, clutching it tightly in his hand as he slung his bag over his shoulder and walked out of the classroom. He walked quickly towards Calum’s class room; he had to give him the letter today. There was no way he could make it ‘til tomorrow and the thought of not saying goodbye to Calum properly killed him.

He got there just as Calum walked out with Luke, “Hey guys,” His voice wasn’t as nervous or shaky as he thought it would be; it sounded normal, good it made it easier to lie.

Luke slung an arm around Michael’s shoulders, “Hey Mikey, are you hanging out with us today? Ash is gonna drive us over to get some food and then we’re gonna have a jam session at his.”

“No I can’t. I'm grounded for skipping last week, remember?.”  Michael faked a smile.

“You’re an idiot,” Ashton said as he walked up to the three of them, “you should know better than to ditch by now, considering the fact that you always get caught.”

Michael flipped him off, “Whatever asshole.”

Ashton stuck his tongue out at him and turned to Luke and Calum, “Let’s get going I'm hungry as fuck.”

The two boys nodded in agreement and said goodbye to Michael, waving like they always did before turning to walk away. Panic set in for a second, they couldn’t just walk away. Didn’t they know that this was the last time they would talk to Michael? How could they not want to make it special? A split second later he realized how stupid that thought was; how could they know? He wasn’t about to tell them; they would just try and stop him. But he still wanted this last goodbye to be a good one.

Michael reached out and grabbed both Luke’s and Ashton’ wrists, pulling them both into a hug. “I love you guys. You’re just so funny and nice and cool and talented and just all around amazing.”

“Aw Michael I love you too!” Ashton hugged him that way that only he could, so tightly and closely, it always made you walk away with the feeling that you mattered.

“Um… okay. Love you too.” Luke looked confused, that was to be expected they normally saved the hugging for when they were at his house playing video games.

Laughing slightly Michael pulled away and looked toward Calum, his grip on the letter tightening. This was it; this was the last time he was going to talk to Calum, the last time he was going to hug him. He was going to make it count. Practically tackling him in a bear hug Michael latched onto Calum and hid his face in his neck, taking a deep breath and trying to memorize his sent. Calum hugged back just as tightly and whispered in his ear, “I love you Michael.”

Michael felt tears in the corner of his eye, he blinked them away. If Calum saw him crying he wouldn’t leave and Michael would be fucked. “I love you too. You mean everything and more to me and you’ve always been there when I needed you, ever since day one. I don’t know what I would do without you.” They stood like that for a minute, Michael slipping the note into Calum’s pocket feeling a tear slide down his cheek when he did, quickly turning his head so it was wiped onto Calum’s shirt.

“Oh my god! Did you just wipe your snot all over my shirt?” Calum pulled back and gave Michael an incredulous look.

Michael laughed and pulled him in closer for another second and whispering, “I’m so sorry. I love you.”

Calum looked at him slightly confused, “It’s just a little snot Michael no big deal. Are you okay?”

“Yeah sorry. I'm gonna head home now. I love you so much. You mean everything to me.” Michael pecked Calum on the cheek and swiftly turned and started to walk away when he felt Calum grab his hand and pull him back.

“Are you sure you're okay? Do you want me to come home with you?” he brushed Michael’s hair from his face and looked concernedly into Michael’s eyes.

Michael smiled and shook his head, “No I'm fine there's nothing to worry about. I’m just tired I guess.”

“Okay if you’re sure.” Michael smiled and nodded, “Okay… I’ll text you later okay Mikey?”

 “Okay. Goodbye I love you.” Michael started walking away again and Calum didn’t stop him this time.

As Michael walked home he took in how beautiful it was today; the sun was shining but it wasn’t hot, it had rained a bit earlier leaving the smell of rain lingering in the breeze. The trees were greener than they had been, like they wanted him to truly see their beauty before he was gone. He wasn’t shaking like he thought he would be; knowing what waited for him at home and knowing that it was only a matter of time until he was gone was comforting. He knew what was going to happen and he was more than okay with it.

He smiled and put in his headphones intent on playing All Time Low until his last breath. When he got home Michael was welcomed by an empty house; he was used to it, his parents had always worked late.

Walking to his bathroom he took the old pain pill bottle; he had been prescribed the pills when he broke his arm a few months ago but he had never taken all of them for this very reason. He clutched the bottle of pills tightly in his hand and went to the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water.

He walked to the living room and set the water and pills on the coffee table next to his laptop. There was only one more thing he had to do; he was going to visit his old friend, cutting, one last time before he went. Cutting had helped him through so much, days when he felt empty cutting was there, days when he felt worthless and stupid cutting was there. Days when he felt alone, cutting was there. His go to when things got tough, he hadn’t cut since he promised Calum he would stop but it felt almost rude not to do it one last time.

So he went to the bathroom again, reaching into the cabinet and withdrawing his blade, still as perfect and sharp as the first time he used it. He bit his lip and dug the blade into the delicate pale skin of his wrist, pulling roughly and savoring the pain. He missed this. He did it again and again and again until he had over a dozen red parallel lines covering his arm. Michael leaned against the wall and sighed contentedly. It wouldn’t be long now until he was gone.

After a few minutes he walked back to the living room and sat down on the couch again, a strange sense of clam came over him; this was it, soon the pain would be over and he would be gone.

He reached for the pills and opened the bottle, his hand steady as he poured them into his hand. He picked two up, put them in his mouth and swallowed, chasing them with a drink of water. 

When he was about halfway through the bottle his door was slammed open to reveal a sweaty, heavy breathing Calum. 


	2. Chapter 2

They stared at each other for a second before the small sound of pills hitting the floor could be heard, Michael had dropped them. In the time it took to blink Calum was there next to him hugging him, crying.

“I read your letter. Please stop. Please Michael I need you. You mean so much to me. I don’t know what I would do without you. Please don’t do this. Don’t leave me like this.” Calum looked into Michael’s eyes earnestly as tears made their way down his cheeks, “I love you Michael. I need you. And I know it might be really hard right now but it will get better, I promise. Just don’t quit now. Please.”

Of course Calum was here, making this harder for him, “I can’t do this Calum… I can’t. I'm not worth it Calum. I'm not. I never was. It’s better this way. I’ll die and you won’t have to deal with me anymore,” Michael’s voice shook as brushed Calum’s hair away from his face and used his sleeve to wipe away his tears, “This is what I want ok?.”

“Never talk like that again.” Calum looked fiercely into Michael’s eyes and held his face, “You are worth so much more than you realize. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you and I wish you would realize that Luke and Ashton and your family and me we all need you. Please please please don’t leave us.”

Michael shook his head violently, tears flying, “No I'm not-” his voice broke, “I can’t do anything right ever. I'm a hypocrite. I'm judgmental. I'm stupid. I'm ugly.”

“Stop it. Stop. Stop. Stop. Don’t talk about yourself like that,” Calum pressed their foreheads together and continued, “Every single thing you just said is wrong. You are the most amazing person I know; you're smart and beautiful and caring and sweet and strong and talented and I love you and I need you. Do you love me? Do you care about me?”

Swallowing thickly Michael said, “Of course I do. You mean everything to me.”

“And you mean everything to _me…_ what if I decided I was going to kill myself, what if I said those things about me; what would you do? Would you let me?”

“Of course not; I wouldn't be able to handle it if you were gone.” Michael shook his head.

“Then what makes you think I could live without you?”

Michael started to sob, “It’s not about that Calum. I just can’t do this. I'm so fucking tired all the time. I can’t see a single reason for you to care the way you do and it’s only a matter of time until you realize that and leave me like everyone always does.”

Calum pulled Michael against his chest and let him sob into his shirt, “I will never leave you Michael. I love you okay? And I see so many reasons for me to care the way I do. Every single thing about you is perfect to me. And I know you are more than strong enough to get through this and even if you think you're not. I will always be beside you to help you, I will always be there for you... please don’t do this.”

Nodding against Calum’s chest Michael sniffed and let out a few more strangled sobs.

Sighing in relief Calum pulled away slightly and looked into Michael’s eyes, wiping his tears away, “I need you to be honest with me Michael; how many pills did you take?”

Michael looked away guiltily and mumbled, “I didn’t count but the bottle was almost full when I started.”

Panic spread through Calum like wildfire, but he forced himself to stay calm, “I’m going to call for an ambulance ok? This is serious-” his voice cracked, “Y-you need to get those pills out of your system before they do any kind of damage okay Michael?”

“NO!” Michael practically exploded and tore himself away from his best friend, “I-I I can’t go to the hospital please Calum, my parents will know, everyone will know. Please don’t call them.”

“Hey, hey. It’s okay, calm down,” Calum gently cupped Michael’s cheeks, “Everything is going to be fine but you are not stopping me from calling okay? I am not taking any chances on your life. You are too important for me to lose. I will not let that happen. Now you are going to come over here and let me hold you while I call okay? We can deal with your parents and everything later okay? Everything is going to be fine and you are going to be fine. You know how I know? You are amazing and smart and strong and I know you can make it through this. Okay?”

Michael nodded slowly and fell into Calum’s arms, feeling himself relax at the familiar warmth. He laid his head against Calum’s shoulder and didn’t bother trying to wipe away his tears or stop his sobs. He was terrified. He tightened his arms around Calum's waist, wincing at the pressure it put on his cuts. Calum obviously noticed and gently grabbed Michael’s arm pulling his sleeve up to reveal the angry red lines; the brunet smiled sadly and pulled his best friend closer, “It’s okay Mikey, I'm here.”

Calum took his phone out of his pocket and dialed 911, talking quietly while his best friend cried into his neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking of adding another chapter where they're in the hospital with Luke and Asthon would anyone want to read that?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyyyy sorry it took me so long ive been really busy with school and such and just got around to writing this today hope it's not too bad :)

Luke cannot think of a single time he’d run as fast as he was running in that moment; he didn’t care that the nurses were yelling at him to slow down, he didn’t care that his lungs were burning or how fast his heart was beating, he didn’t care that he lost track of Ashton after they walked past the gift shop. One of his best friends was in the hospital. Yeah, Calum told him Michael was okay and that they pumped his stomach and the drugs were out of his system, and he was still unconscious from the anesthesia, but that didn’t mean anything to Luke.

He wouldn’t believe Mikey was okay until he saw it with his own eyes.

_Room 315_

There it was, Luke tears the door open and sees Michael in the bed, pale, arms over the sheets red tick marks along the inside of his wrists, eyes closed; sleeping.

“Hey Luke,” Calum says shakily from beside Michael’s bed, looking up at his friend with bloodshot eyes and tears on his cheeks.

Luke’s heart is still racing and the tracks on his cheeks match those on Calum’s with a few extra from his sweat. His voice is weak when he replies. “Hey,” he walks over to the chair beside him and asks, “W-what happened?”

Calum stays silent for a minute before talking, “I-I thought  he was acting really weird when we said bye but I was a fucking dumb ass and ignored it because… you know, he’s always been weird. A-And then when we got to Ashton’s house I found t-this note in m-m-my pocket-” he breaks down into sobs and throws a crumpled piece of paper at the floor. When he starts talking again his words are broken up by sobs,  “So I ran to his house and and- I was so fucking scared that I was too late. What if he’d already slit his wrist or jumped in front of a car or- or- jumped off a bridge. And when I got to his house he was just sitting there taking pills like it was something he did every day, like he was used to swallowing things that would kill him. He wasn’t even shaking!

“He was going to leave me and he wasn’t even shaking. And then I talked to him and he said all these horrible things about himself and I just couldn’t understand how he could say those things because he's so fucking amazing to me. But he doesn’t see all the things I love about him and it makes me so sad because I love him so much and he's my best friend, always has been. And he wanted to leave me-” he breaks down into even louder sobs and looks up at Luke, his fear filled eyes wide and bloodshot, “What if he’d actually done it? W-what if I didn’t have my Mikey in my life anymore?”

Seeing the look in his eyes Luke pulls Calum into his arms and lets him cry into his shoulder, “You can’t think about that Cal. Y-you just have to be happy he’s still here. You can watch him and help him.” The blond boy pauses, “He can get real help now.”

Calum nods into Luke’s shoulder and wraps his arms around his friend; letting himself sob, not caring how loud he was.

After a few minutes the door slowly opens to reveal Ashton, standing with chocolate in one hand and a teddy bear with a t-shit on that said ” _I Love You!”_ in the other.

Calum let out a half hearted chuckle at the things Ashton was holding and stood, wiping his tears away and walking over to the drummer, pulling him into a hug, “Michael will pretend to hate them but I know he’s going to love them.”

Ashton hugged him back, “I figured he should have something really cheesy to make him smile while he’s stuck in this place that smells like hand sanitizer and rubber gloves.”

While Calum was talking with Ashton Luke picks up the paper and reads it, tears slipping down his cheeks when he realizes what it was. It hurt to read it. One of his best friends felt like that and he didn’t even know.  What kind of friend was he?

When he finished reading it his stomach was turning. How could Michael say those things about himself? The last bit was the worst, “ _Please just do me one favor, do this one thing just for me. Forget about me. Don’t sit down at lunch and think Michael should be in that seat. Don’t walk down the street and look at my house and think about all the sleepovers we had. Forget about me, I wasn’t all that great anyway._ ” Did he honestly think they could just forget about him? Luke doesn’t think he could live in a world where he didn’t have Michael in his life. Who would he go to when he needed someone to play guitar in a cover because he was too lazy too? Who would notice when he was sad and cheer him up? Who would he fight with for the last piece of pizza? Who would sit next to him in math and complain constantly that he didn’t care? Who would argue about which Pokémon was the best?

“ _Please don’t run and try and save me. This is what I ~~want~~ need._” If Michael had it his way he would be gone. Michael wanted to be gone. Luke’s stomach gave a lurch. His best friend wanted to be dead. If Calum hadn’t found the letter when he did Michael would be dead. Luke stood up from his chair and ran past his still hugging band members and into the little bathroom they had in every hospital room, barely making it in time to heave his lunch into the toilet, still clutching the letter in his hand, the image of Michael in a casket, pale and cold to the touch in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im really not happy with this chapter and will hopefully edit it more when i have time but i wanted to post something. so here you go, sorry it wasnt as good as it could have been
> 
> im going to add at least another 3 chapters i think, maybe more depending on what people want. sorry this wasn't as good as the other chapters i promise the next one won't be as choppy 
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	4. Chapter 4

Michael didn’t want to wake up not just because of the part of him that wanted to be gone but because he didn’t want to deal with the aftermath. He felt like the mistake he made was an earthquake, and now he has no choice but to ride out the aftershocks.

When he woke up he didn’t open his eyes. He just listened; half afraid he wasn’t going to hear anything. Afraid that at some point between when they put him under in the ambulance and now, Calum had changed his mind and decided he didn’t give a fuck about Michael after all. His fears were dismissed when he heard crying and soft whispering, he couldn't make out what was being said but the crying sounded a lot like Calum.

Before he could think about anything else he was hit with the realization that his throat and stomach hurt like hell; he let out a long pained moan and wrapped his arms around his middle, curling into a ball and closing is eyes even tighter.

People are by his side in seconds. A hand gently grabs one of his own, “Hey Mikey,” it was Luke.

Michael looked over at his friend and felt guilt spread through him, “Hey.”

“I'm happy you're okay,” Luke’s voice cracks at the end and he smiles sadly, he looks pale and sad and Michael knows that it’s because of what he did.

Ashton cuts in at that point, “How are you feeling?”

“Like shit, but I guess I deserve it after what I did,” Michael pushes himself up into a sitting position, wincing slightly.

“Don’t say that,” Calum’s voice is thick, “You don’t deserve to hurt ever.”

Before Michael can reply or even react to his friend’s statement the door to his room flies open and his parents come rushing in. he freezes. His heart skips a beat only to start pounding as if he had just run a mile. He didn’t even think about how his parents were going to react, he forgot that they would obviously have to come and get him, they were going to know what he had done. Were they going to be angry? Were they going to hate him? Kick him out?

He’s torn from his thoughts by his mother’s arms suddenly encircling him and her tears falling on him, “Oh baby, why would you do that? Why didn’t you tell us you weren’t happy? You could’ve talked to us, I would have been understanding.”

He shakily brought his trembling hands up to return the hug and tears of his own start falling, sobs quickly following, “I'm so sorry Mommy. I'm so so sorry I won’t do it again I promise. Please don’t hate me.”

His mom quickly pulled back to look him in the eye, “Mikey… I could never hate you, not even for this. Just promise me that if you ever feel this bad again you’ll come to me or your dad okay? Promise me.”

His arms tighten around her middle, “I promise mom, I promise.”

“We’re going to get you some help son, no matter what it takes. We are not going to let this happen again. I'm going to start looking for a therapist for you the second I get home alright? And this,” his dad’s rough calloused hand pulls at Michael’s arm where the fresh cuts are on full display, “This stops. Do you understand me?”

Michael nods but remains silent. He doesn’t want to go to a therapist. He doesn’t want to talk to someone who doesn’t know him about all his petty problems. But he knows there's no way his parents will just let this whole thing slide and pretend nothing happened.

He never should’ve given Calum that letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh look, it's me! your local piece of shit who never updates and when she does it sucks balls! sorry this isnt that great and that it's so short but after so long of not working on this because of school and all that jazz i need to get back into the swing i guess. i will try to update this again soon because i am now on summer vacation and actually have time to do shit now.
> 
> i currently have it planned out where there is going to be two more chapters and then an epilogue for this fic and then for my other fic (It Hurt, which is kind of silimar but much much better written i suggest you go read it) im going to do only one more chapter and then im going to start a new fic which is going to be a little different but just as sad as this and It Hurt


	5. Chapter 5

Fuck he never should’ve given Calum the note, he should’ve been smart like everyone else and just fucking had it with him when he died because now with his parents watching him like a hawk and Calum and Luke and Ashton are all finding excuses to never leave him alone in a room. There was no way he could even hurt himself.

The thoughts of ending everything still attack his brain. Logically he knows that everyone loves him but it doesn’t feel like it. They say kind words or hug him and his brain turns it into pity. Its all pity the people in his life just don’t want to feel guilty for not stopping him. They all claim to love him but how can someone love him when he can't love himself? He wishes that he could believe when they tell him they need him in their life but he just doesn’t. Why would anyone need a pathetic depressed suicidal teenager in their life?

He can't do anything right. He’s never been good enough

He’s torn from his thoughts by the sound of his mother’s quick footsteps up the stairs to his room (which now has no door in case he tries to do something). And he knows that she’s rushing because he didn’t tell her he was going upstairs. He feels like he hasn’t had a second to himself since Calum ran to him two weeks ago.

“Michael?! Mikey? Baby are you there?” her worried voice echoes up the hall, as she no doubt runs to his room.

“Yes mom. I'm right here. I'm fine. I just wanted a minute alone.” He calls back irritated beyond belief.

“You can't just disappear like that Mikey,” her figure emerges in the doorway.

Michael has been on edge since he was released from the hospital and he just wants two fucking minutes to himself without someone breathing down his neck 24/7, “Why?”

“Well… You know why Michael please don’t be difficult about this,” his mom refuses to actually say what’s happened and skirts around the subject as if it’s a bomb about to explode.

“God just fucking say it mom! I tried to kill myself. The reason you won’t let me be alone for even a fraction of a second is because I tried to kill myself

“Yes, yes it is Michael now if you would please stop with the yelling and dramatics and go downstairs so I can finish cooking dinner?”

“I just want some time alone. For fucks sake I'm not going to kill myself with you downstairs. You literally took down my door there is nothing that could stop you from stopping me.”

“Please go down stairs Michael,” tears are gathering in her eyes but she blinks them away before her son can see.

“I just want ten minutes, please mom. I just want to sit and think by myself.”

“Why do you need to be alone to think? You can think on the couch downstairs. Alright young man? Now get your butt off of your bed and downstairs now,” he voice holds a finality that Michael just doesn’t have the energy to argue with.

“Fine,” the 16 year old stands shoves his way past his mother and stomps his way down the stairs before laying face down on the couch, missing the way his mom stands in place and wipes away her tears.

Michael stays on the couch like that until dinner, where he grumpily picks at his food not really eating anything.

“So I’ve set up an appointment with a therapist for you tomorrow at 3,” Michael looks up and glares at his dad.

“I don’t need to see a therapist. I don’t want to.”

“Well that’s too bad because you're going to. You’ll be going twice a week until you're better.”

And Michael wants to yell that he's never going to get better, that he's fucking broken, but he can't because he knows he's put his parents through too much shit already. So he shits his mouth and stays quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short but at least I updated within a month right?


End file.
